What Do You Mean, Vampires Sparkle?
by TheWammy'sHouseReject
Summary: Alucard and Seras are sent to investigate a group of vampires living in America. They seem to be pretty harmless...wait a minute, they...sparkle? What the Hellsing is going on here? Hilarity ensues. Hellsing/Twilight crossover crack fic.
1. Sparkles?

NOTE: I am in the midst of a major rewrite of several of my stories, this one included. Please bear with me if updates slow down for a bit.

I got the idea for this fic from some picture I saw on deviant art with Alucard and Edward in it. I don't know how long this will be, but enjoy! Please review, as well.

I don't own Twilight, nor do I want to. As for Hellsing, if I owned that, that would be awesome, but I don't. I'm not making any money off this, either. Characters may be a bit OOC. I also quoted Hellsing Abridged. See if you can spot the quote :D

**~^.^~**

"Do you have an order for me, my master?" I asked, with that crazy grin that was sort of my trademark.

"Yes, Alucard," Integra said sharply, leaning over her desk and exposing just a bit of cleavage. Of course, she'd flay me alive if I ever admitted out loud to seeing it, so I was more than happy to keep that to myself.

"I want you to investigate reports of a clan of vampires living in America."

"America? Sounds like fun."

"It they prove to be dangerous, then you kill them. Do you understand?"

"Yes, my master," I said, with faux humility.

_Sweet! I get to blow shit up! _Was my approximate train of thought.

"Good. Now get going."

I turned and left the room, turning around to get one last glimpse at Integra before I closed the door.

XxXx

I walked past the sign that read: _Welcome to Forks _in faded white letters, telling me that I was heading in the right general direction. Seras followed closely behind, looking around with curiosity. She reminded me of a puppy, trailing after me like that.

"Master, what are we looking for?" she asked.

"Integra told us to check out this town," I said, adjusting the brim of my fedora (fucking awesome hat, by the way). "We'll start with the forest."

I liked this part of the job. I got to take enthusiastic walks through the woods, and possibly get to kill another homicidal vampire priest.

At first, we really didn't see much- just groves of trees. Nothing particularly unusual. Trees, squirrels, and some sort of weird fungus growing on the side of a fallen log. But then, we came across a sight you _definitely_ don't see every day.

"This is the skin of a killer, Bella!"

There was some teenage boy standing in a beam of sunlight, and he was…sparkling? Yeah, he was definitely sparkling. He was lit up like a_ motherfucking_ disco ball.

"I'm a vampire, Bella! I'm dangerous!"

A…sparkling…vampire? Oh, god, no! I had to be dreaming. Yeah, that was it…

I wasn't dreaming.

Just what kind of a sick joke was this, anyway?


	2. What the Fuck?

Sparkling…vampires? What the hell was this?

The girl looked at the (sparkling) vampire with a love struck expression. How the _fuck _did she not realize that he was a …mother-fucking…vampire…who…_sparkled?_

I've _really _got to stop thinking about the sparkles.

Where was I? Oh yeah. The girl was staring at the vampire with a love struck expression. Well, at least I thought it was love struck. To be honest, her face looked pretty damn emotionless.

Seras tugged at my sleeve.

"Master, are you okay? You've been zoned out and staring at that guy for the past five minutes."

I shook my head rapidly, to clear it. but seriously, what the _fuck?_

"You're not going gay on me, are you, Master?"

I shook my head again. Straight. I am straight. Ultra masculine manly man. I may have become a woman temporarily fifty years ago, but I wasn't fucking _gay._

Unlike Baron von Sparklelord in front of us, who in all honesty looked gayer than a Maypole.

"What are you doing here?"

Oh, great, so Captain Glitter noticed us, did he?

I put my hands in the air and walked out from behind the tree, a gesture of my (albeit fake) goodwill.

"My name is Alucard. I am a servant of the Hellsing organization," I said plainly. "I'm here to investigate a clan of vampires that is said to live here. You're one of them?"

A nod from the redhead.

"I'm a vampire, too," I said, deciding that, in this case, honesty was the best way to go.

"But you don't sparkle," the girl said. "You're standing in the sunlight, and you're not sparkling."

"WILL YOU STOP SAYING SPARKLE?" I shouted. "I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THE WORD _SPARKLE!"_

The girl hid behind the guy. Her breathing was erratic. She may have been scared, she may have been turned on. Again, it was impossible to tell.

"Well…you don't," she said meekly.

"Funny you should say that, seeing as glitter boy here doesn't even have _fangs," _I pointed out. Seras giggled behind her hands. Even _she _had fangs, and she was the girliest vampire I knew.

"I need to meet and speak with the rest of your clan," I said. "And I'll need to know your name."

"My name is Edward. Edward Cullen."

"And the girl?"

"Her name is Bella Swan."

Bella. Beautiful.

Beautiful swan, huh? Well, I suppose she was pretty, though it was hard to tell with Mr. Rockefeller Christmas Tree in the way.

"Just take me to your clan," I growled. "And be snappy about it, I don't have all eternity."

I thought about that.

"Well…I do, but I don't wanna spend it with _you."_

Seras laughed again. One thing I like about her: she doesn't talk much.

And she doesn't fucking SPARKLE!

~^.^~

**Alright, enough with the sparkles. Please review!**


	3. Sob Stories

The info I used for Alucard's background is from Wikipedia's page on Vlad the Impaler. Except for the rape. _That _I got out of chapter 70 of the Hellsing Manga. Yeah…it was rather strange to see a young Alucard about to get raped by some fat bastard.

Spot the Hellsing Abridged quote X3

~^.^~

If I could have died of boredom, I would have.

The sparkly ginger freak had taken me to his coven ("Family", as he kept reminding me). Said coven then proceeded to tell me the life stories of each one of the respective members. Seras, the lucky stiff, had fallen asleep part way through the one called Jasper's little sob story. Little old me was forced to listen to this blond girl Rosalie bitch about how much her life _sucked. _I made fake snoring noises, which made her glare at me.

"Oh, and _you _have a better story?" she demanded. "What happened to _you, _anyway?"

"Let's see…got initiated into some weird cult when I was about five…" I began. "Got sent by my father as a political prisoner to the Ottoman Empire, alongside my brother…got beaten a lot by my teachers because I didn't behave like they wanted me to…oh, and I got raped in the ass somewhere along the line. You know how much fun _that _is, eh, Sparklelord?"

"Who are you to be bossing us around, anyway?"

"I'm a fuck mothering vampire, and if I think you pose any threat to the rest of humanity, I have permission to splatter your non-existent brain matter all over the fucking wall."

The coven was dead silent. I counted that as a _huge _improvement.

"And then, just some junk about getting exiled, betrayed, buried alive, making a deal with the devil to save my own life, yadda, yadda, yadda. Nothing interesting, really."

Blondie looked over at Ginger, then glared at the wall, apparently nothing else to say.

Seras woke up.

"Huh?"

"You fell asleep," Edward told her.

"No need to state the obvious, Sparkle boy. You people are boring me to undeath, will you _please _just get a life and stop _whining _already?"

I chuckled, and ruffled her hair. My little police girl could be so cute sometimes.

"Seriously, don't you people have better things to do that complain about your pasts and go to high school for the rest of eternity?"

I had to admit, she had a point.

"Well, I believe the blonde was whining before I so _rudely _interrupted." I said, unable to keep the grin off my face. "Go on."

"…Never mind," she growled.

My smirk widened.

_Now _I was getting somewhere. At this rate, I could get back to staring at Integra's boobs before tomorrow morning.

~^.^~

Yes, my friends. If you look carefully during some of Alucard and Integra's scenes together, Alucard is totally staring at her boobs XD

Review?


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